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HBD Martha Stewart and the All-Celeb Cast of Orange Is The New Black!

When beloved cook and all around house-wife Martha Stewart was sent to jail, the world was in shock. She ended up turning it all around and making her fortune back, and becoming stronger, and more open than ever. In honor of Martha's Birthday, we thought we'd play an interesting little game (the now more hilarious Martha would totally find this funny). 

If Martha's jail experience was cast like Orange Is The New Black, what would a jail be like with Martha Stewart in it? What celebrities in the jail would she be friends with? Who'd push her around? Well, we've got answers for that, as we dream up the most crazy inmates to support Martha's time in prison.

Martha Stewart as "The New Girl":

If Martha was in Orange is the New Black, of course, she'd have been Piper. The new kid on the block, learning the word in the cell block, insulting the cooking off the Jail Staffed Kitchen, and trying to create things out of peppers.

 

Paris Hilton as the Jail Salon/Stylist

She keeps your hair looking good, keeps those highlights on point, and makes sure that your jumpsuit isn't too big on you. I mean, she made Kim Kardashian, right? She'll totally make you too.

 

Heather Locklear as the "Cell Mate That Rocks Back and Forth, Talks to Herself":

You can tell that this blonde bombshell has cracked. She sits in the corner and fidgets around, potentially is skitzo, but eventually you befriend her, because at least you've not woken up to her at the foot of your bed staring at you.

 

Lindsay Lohan as The Smack Talker

She's the girl that acts really tough. Always mouthing off to the guards, flicking people off, insulting people's looks. Eventually, someone will come up against her and send her crying into her cell. She also may or may not be having cocaine withdraws.

 

Teresa Giudice as "The Prison Mafia Boss"

She's the only one in the prison with a spray tan and extensions, but the women aren't attacking her, because they know she'll claw their hair to smithereens. She's also the person to ask when you really need something and the prison store doesn't have it. She'll find a way, but it will cost you...
Nicole Richie as "The Prison Priss"

Her looks could kill, but really, she's only in there because Daddy wanted to teach her a lesson.

 

Amanda Bynes as "The Girl Who Watches You Use The Restroom Without The Door":

She might also write you a poem about how beautiful you are. Just sayin'.


Nicole Snooki Polizzi as"The Girl With Hooch Under Her Mattress"

We don't know how she got it, but we advise you not to drink it.

 

Amy Cooper is a writer and pop culture fact nerd, and on multiple occasions has been referred to as a “Walking iPod.”